Saturday, August 29, 2009

Cracking, cracking, CRACKED

Ok...most of the times I think of myself as an unfilial daughter. I didn't spend enough time with my mother or father (I'd prefer to sleep or go out with my friends). I am not patient with my mother (nowadays I snap at her when she cannot comprehend what I am trying to say). I don't like the fact that my mother gives stinging comments (I know I am fat, you don't have to keep reminding me AND tempt me with food while you do it).

I appreciate the fact that I am VERY lucky to be born into this family, but I am not contented. I love the fact that I have a lot of time to spend with my parents, but the thing is, when you know that someone is waiting for you and just hawking on the time to spend together with you every single time eventhough you were thinking of doing something else, is tiring...that's why I never thought having children is a good idea. Haha...

I mean, I know that my mother is lonely. In many ways, I am like her. I don't need many friends. Leave me alone with some money and space and I can spend my time happily and fulfillingly. My mother, unfortunately, has had too much alone time that she is just waiting for company, which her children can't provide. And accompanying her is not a problem at all...I mean I love my mother...but I can't stand it when she grumbles at me for not tidying up my room, or when I sleep in (on weekends, for God's sake!), or when I changed my mind about doing some chores. Give me a break...I've been doing things at my own pace for 5 days a week, I can't change my habits just because I come home on weekends! I've been tempted to not come home for the weekends. It didn't work out because of the guilt factor and the fact that I can't stand being in the house with my housemates the whole weekend either (more on that in other post). I mean, I admit...I AM WEIRD.. I AM A LONER, so LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Sigh...am I really that bad? I mean, working from Monday to Friday (and sometimes Saturday), I just want to spend a day of doing nothing or doing things that I want at whatever time that I want on the weekends. I don't know if other people feel the same way as I do. Torn between wanting time alone / time to spend at your leisure versus time with family members / fulfilling their wants? I see that my siblings will advise me to be patient and just spend time with our parents, but I hardly see them doing the same...

Sigh...a week at home has taken its toll...and the stress of my sister's family coming home, and the fact that my boyfriend was almost non-existent the whole week, and that I am just a whiny, lousy person over all. Hate you, world. Hate you too, God! Hate MYSELF the most!

1 comment:

melwin kaur said...

wei...cheer up... the raya holidays r coming soon ... u will sure enjoy urself spending n traveling there

i too sometimes want time a lone but being alone in sabah i do miss family n friends... lives not as great without them....hehehehe